Welcome to our parent and guardian corner. The information here is designed to help you with the processing. This is not easy for you as a parent and
Sexual assault is “any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.” Sexual assault is an umbrella term that includes sexual activities such as rape(includes vaginal, oral or anal sex), fondling, and attempted rape. If your teenage child has been sexually assaulted, you can help your child feel safe and secure at home, and support your child in taking further action.
About sexual assault
Sexual assault is any unwanted and forced sexual contact that happens without a person’s consent. It includes forced kissing, touching, and vaginal, oral or anal penetration.
A person can’t give consent if the person:
- is threatened, verbally coerced or physically forced
- is under the influence of alcohol or other drugs
- doesn’t understand the consequences of sexual contact
- is under the legal age for sexual consent
- is unconscious, semiconscious or irrational.
Sexual assault can happen between two people who are in a romantic relationship. It can also happen between acquaintances or between strangers. It can happen when the victim is alert and rational or no longer wants the sexual contact.
Both boys and girls can be victims of violence, including sexual assault. Young people who have experienced sexual assault need help and support for their physical, psychological and social wellbeing.
Sexual assault: never the victim’s fault
If your teenage child has experienced sexual assault, it’s not your child’s fault. If your child has experienced sexual assault, your child has nothing to be ashamed of. The sexual assault didn’t happen because of the way your child was dressed or the way your child behaved. Sexual assault is not your fault either. It didn’t happen because of the way you have parented your child.
Sexual assault happens when the person responsible for the assault abuses power, even if that person doesn’t mean to.
If your teenage child tells you about a sexual assault
If your teenage child has been sexually assaulted, they will probably be very distressed. Your child might exhibit other signs and actions such as being teary, clingy, angry, aloof, acting out, or in denial. Or they might keep it bottled up and not show any outward signs of distress at all. Open and honest dialogue an space spaces to disclose HELP to allow your child to open up.
There are things you can do to support your child when she’s telling you about experiencing sexual assault:
- Listen to what your child is saying without interrupting. Avoid asking ‘why’ or asking detailed questions. Just let your child talk about the experience.
- Stay calm on the outside, even if you’re feeling many strong emotions – like anger, worry, guilt and so on – on the inside.
- Believe what your child is telling you, even if it’s upsetting. Tell your child that you believe them, even if the details aren’t all coherent or the information comes in pieces
- Affirm your child! Tell your child they are not to blame – and remind yourself that you’re not to blame either.
- Don’t assume anything about what happened or how your child is feeling.
- Be there in case your child wants to share more. This might mean staying at home with your child, taking time off work, picking them up from school, university or work and so on.
- Ask your child how you can help them to feel safe and loved. Be prepared to follow through.
Being clear about sexual contact or activity
Having an open dialogue with your child is always the first step and that includes sexual activity. Teenagers sometimes consent to sexual contact or sexual activity that they regret afterwards. This can happen when the sexual contact or activity doesn’t go the way they hoped or expected, when the other person involved behaves badly afterwards, when they misunderstand each other’s feelings and so on. Sometimes this can lead to allegations of sexual assault, even when the teenagers might have consented to the sexual contact or activity at some point.
It’s normal for you to want to protect your child, especially when your child is upset. But it’s also important to be clear about what happened. It’s OK to calmly ask teenagers if anything happened that they regret. This can help you explore the circumstances leading up to the sexual contact or activity while also being supportive and non-judgmental about what you hear.
After sexual assault
After a sexual assault, many parents want their child to take action. This might include reporting the sexual assault to police, seeking medical care, starting legal processes, and getting counseling. Exploring the possible consequences of taking action can help your child make an informed decision.
You can help by finding out about the processes and services available following sexual assault. If you have this information, you can help your child make informed decisions about what to do. And when your child decides, being informed will also help you accept your child’s decisions.
Reporting sexual assault to the police
Sexual assault is a serious crime. Contacting the police is usually the first step for young people following a sexual assault, if they want to take action. But deciding whether to report a sexual assault to the police can be a difficult decision for some young people on their own.
It might help to know that when you or your child reports the sexual assault to the police, you’ll speak with specially trained officers. These officers can guide and support you and your child through the process.
The police can help your child with getting a medical examination and care from support services if necessary depending on the severity of the assault. They can also make sure your child has privacy when making a statement about the assault.
The police will use the information your child gives them to investigate the incident. If the case proceeds your child might also have to go to court as part of the criminal justice process. Learn how to get support here
Medical care after sexual assault
Your child can go to a hospital or health center to get medical care after a sexual assault.
A doctor will:
- check for any physical injuries
- talk with your child about the possibility of pregnancy and discuss options available
- talk about and test for sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
- talk about how to manage the emotional effects of sexual assault.
Forensic medical examination
If your child seeks medical attention shortly after the assault, your child can also choose to undergo a forensic medical examination. This kind of examination is carefully documented and done by specially trained doctors. It collects evidence that will be important for the police and ultimately the court.
A forensic medical examination involves:
- having the examination as soon as possible after the sexual assault – there is more evidence within the first 72 hours than there is a week later
- collecting forensic medical evidence like traces of semen, saliva and hair.
If your child is under 16 years of age, you’ll need to give your consent for the forensic medical examination to proceed.
Teenagers sometimes change their minds following these examinations and decide not to follow through with police investigation. If your child doesn’t go ahead with a police investigation after the forensic medical examination, the forensic pediatrician can let you know what happens next with the medical samples.
Help and support during medical examinations
Your child will need your help and support with decision-making during the medical care and examination process if required. You may find you also need a great deal of support emotionally as well. It is important to recognize the emotions you are experiencing. Your child will also have a counselor or an advocate throughout the forensic medical examination. This person’s role is to provide support, psychological assessment and care. This person can explain your child’s legal rights and what’s involved in the medical and legal process. This person can also let you know about how you can best support your child after a sexual assault.
Counseling after sexual assault
Sexual assault is a traumatic experience. If your teenage child has been sexually assaulted, a counselor can help, particularly if your child is having:
- overwhelming feelings of anger, sadness or guilt
- noticeable changes in sleep patterns, appetite, behavior or concentration
- thoughts, memories or nightmares that cause anxiety or distress
- conflict or little communication with other people in the family
- trouble going to or keeping up at school, university or work.
Counseling can help you, your child and your family understand how the sexual assault has affected all of you. It can also help you all work through and reduce the impact of the assault.
Some young people benefit from counseling at the time of the assault. Others might not be ready yet for counseling, but might benefit from counseling later.
Caring for your child at home after sexual assault
After sexual assault, teenagers can often feel powerless and doubt their own self-worth. But there are things you can do to help your child get back a sense of control, freedom and safety:
- Maintain your child’s usual daily routine, like going to school, work and extracurricular activities and going out with friends.
- Keep your home routine predictable.
- Encourage your child to accept offers of support from others.
Your feelings when your child is sexually assaulted
It can be very upsetting if you learn or suspect that your teenage child has been through a sexual assault. You might feel some or all of these things:
- shock or disbelief
- sadness or extreme distress
- blame
- powerlessness
- anxiety
- shame
- anger
- numbness or nothing at all.
All of these feelings are normal. It’s important to look after your own wellbeing so you have the strength to support your child. Talking to friends or family can be a good start, but be clear that you want them to respect your child’s privacy. If you feel you can’t speak about it with people you know, start first with a counsellor. It will be important to eventually build your own supportive network.
You and your partner, if you have one, might have different feelings about this situation. It can be a good idea to seek counseling together to work out how best to support your child and how to manage any stress on your relationship.
We have a functional online support group to actively engage parents who are going through this with their children. Please contact us parents@andtheyspoke.comto be added to the support group. We all can lean on and learn from each other. You can also find us on our facebook page reach out and connect with us!